our headbangers ball

Traumatic Brain Injury occurs when a sudden trauma causes damage to the brain and can be classified as mild, moderate, or severe, depending on the extent of the damage.  While many patients recover completely, more than 90,000 become disabled each year in the U.S. alone.  It is estimated that more than 3.4 million Americans are presently disabled by brain injuries, suffering lifelong conditions as a result.  Brain Trauma initiates a disease process that severely affects cognitive function, physiological processes and quality of life.  (Taken from the Centre for Neuro Skills Inside View, Issue 19.4 Fall 2010)

So here I am.  After I quit my job.  After the diagnosis.  After hearing that word “Disabled”. It’s February 2009. I’m home. I can’t work. I am very relieved to finally have a diagnosis though. Finally, an answer to years of questions. It’s not the answer I wanted and I hate it. It’s uncomfortable. I feel like I don’t belong anywhere.  I no longer  know who I am. I’m lost, confused, angry and hurt.  I know very little of what I have just been diagnosed with, but am busy finding out. I am mostly trying to focus on just taking care of  myself  for now.  Just getting thru each day.  I am dependant on everyone else for almost everything which is a huge adjustment because I am normally very independent.  I can’t take care of my kids and I can’t take care of Dan.  I wake up each morning  just to wish I didn’t and wanting to go back to bed, letting sleep erase it all.   It’s a struggle to put one foot on the floor and get up out of bed and fight through my day till I can try to sleep again.  I am always in my p.j.s and haven’t used make-up forever.  Why put it on when I will just wash it off with tears.  I bug Dan with the same question over and over, “how am I doing?” because I don’t know.  I do know I need to do what the Dr. said and go to all the therapies they have prescribed for me, but I don’t feel like it.  I don’t feel like going anywhere.  Plus, somehow we have to pay for all this after losing my income.  If I were to start all of my therapy right now, it would be around $800 a month.  TBI recovery is one of the most expensive health treatments there is.  When I think about it I get so overwhelmed and discouraged. Wouldn’t it be easier to just stay in bed? 

As you may have already guessed, I am barely hanging on.  These are the days that Dan has to stay home with me.  I have a huge helping of severe  depression with side of  major Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome.   That’s a lot to digest.    One thing I think about a lot during this time is killing myself,  end it all, and give up.  What scares me is that I really want too.  I hear that little nudge everyday, and I can’t tune it out.  Scary.

My stress level is off the charts.  Conversations are a blur and I walk away wondering what I said and not remembering what I heard.  I am easily angered.  I can’t concentrate on anything for very long.  To add to all the fun, these horrible thoughts and images of doom and destruction  barge into my head at the rate of  10-15 per hour.  Little mini horror movie’s.  They come one after another and I can’t get them to stop.  That doesn’t leave much room for normal, healthy thinking does it?  Plus, I am having a hard time sleeping .  When I finally do fall asleep I am woken up only a few hours later by pain and/or horrible nightmares and hauntings.  I actually have become afraid to fall asleep.  Which leaves me exhausted. 

Every hour I have to take meditative breaks to try to calm and slow down my brain.  These give my brain a break. A time out. This is a very strict order from my Neuropsychologist.  She  looked at Dan and I and very seriously stated that I will have Alzheimer’s soon if I don’t.  These breaks also prevent my brain from shutting down, or switching to autopilot.  When my brain shuts down, I go thru the actions of living and getting thru my day but I’m not really there and don’t remember most of it.   So, I adjust my life around these five-minute breaks.  All the really cool TBI survivors are doing it. 

 I feel like I am going crazy.   Actually, I’m convinced that I’m going crazy.  The thought that I might really be ummm……………, you know, going off the deep end, was quite un-nerving to me.    

“Psychiatric and psychological diseases, of which are among the most disabling consequences of traumatic brain injury. Many individuals with mild brain trauma and the majority of those who survive moderate-to-severe brain injury (that’s me) are left with significant long-term neurobehavioral conditions.  These range from aggression, confusion and agitation to obsessive-compulsive disorders, anxiety/mood/psychotic disorders, major depression and substance abuse.  It is also associated with high rates of suicide.”  (also taken from the Centre for Neuro Skills Inside View, Issue 19.4 Fall 2010)

The psychologists office finally called.  So, it turns out I’m not crazy. Just experiencing the effects on my brain from the injury.  The best news I’ve heard yet. Plus, most of it I can fix! With lots of work, emphasis on LOTS, I learned how to fix some of my messed up cognitive thoughts and behaviors.  I learned how to build new neuron pathways by learning how to think a different way and always have a positive attitude.  The ones that I couldn’t fix I learned strategies to deal with it.  I took lots of naps after therapy. It was so exhausting.  It was a mental work out .  Boot camp for the brain.   

 
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) is a type of psychotherapy that helps people change how they think, feel, or act in order to improve their mood, reduce stress, or achieve other important health and life goals.  Some goals may be specific, such as reducing worrying or procrastination, whereas others can be more general, such as figuring out why one’s life seems to lack meaning, passion or direction, and figuring out what to do about it.   There are three key principles in CBT:

1.  The way you think can and does change your behavior.

2.  The way you think may be monitored and altered.

3. The desired behavior change may be effected through changes in the way you think.

This Type of therapy is very effective in trauma, chronic illness, pain management, sports and performing arts.

(Taken from Making Headway, Brain Injury Association of Utah, Fall/Winter newsletter 2010-2011)

Cognitive Behavior Therapy is focused on the present rather than the past, meaning, I was seeing the therapist to rebuild new pathways of thinking that had been lost or damaged when the truck hit my head.  Pathways that would allow me to deal with life, be happy again, tell myself not to panic, and get rid of all those nasty, life threatening thoughts I was having.  Bringing me close to having as much of a normal daily life that I could.  The Doc and I soon figured out that I was not remembering from week to week each appointment.  So, she came up with the awesome idea of writing a “summary card” that explained our strategy or therapy for each appointment.  I would then take the card home, and to help me remember it, I would make a new one.  I would then place the cards all over the house, in my purse and in the car to be a constant reminder to work on building those new pathways of thinking.   I rewired my own brain!    It was my journey back to a functioning, make it thru the day me.    Below are a few, but most of my favorite’s are too personal to show you.

As you can see, I had to re-learn some pretty basic things.  I have a love/hate relationship with these 3×5 cards.  It was a good feeling looking thru them as I picked a few to share with you.  As I held the stack in my hands, many thoughts came to mind, but mostly a sense of accomplishment.  I am proud and happy to say that I am no longer on any anti-depressant.  They are not sure how they react with TBI survivors anyway, so why take a chance.  Thanks to my Dr. and working my thinking muscle, I have learned how to not need them.  I hated how numb they made me feel anyway.  Good bye and Good riddance.  Bad times still come and go and the depression may always be a part of me I have to deal with.  It’s a daily fight, I may not win the war, but I win many battles now.  When the bad days come, I know exactly what to do to get thru them. (If I forget, it’s on a card!) My depression and damaged cognitive thinking from the accident can no longer control me, I control it, I’m in charge.  There are no words to explain how good that makes me feel, and no words for how it changed my life from one I wanted to give up on to one that I will never give up on. 

I saw Dr. Frazier for about a year and a half.  I still make an occasional appointment when I can’t figure things out on my own.  I should see her more than I do, but money and wanting to move onto another therapy prevent me from seeing her.  She ended up seeing my whole family to help us deal with my cognitive problems and teach my family strategies to help them and myself how to deal with it.  TBI affects the whole family.  My family loves her.  So do I.  Thanks Dr. Frazier.  You became a good friend.  We accomplished a lot together. 

I realize that where I am now, is due to all the people who helped me get here, wherever that  is.

“Even though it is possible that individuals with TBI and depression may warrant different approaches to treatment than the general population with depression, there were only two studies of treatment in this population,” co-author Melissa McPheeters, co-director of the Vanderbilt Evidence-based Practice Center, said in the news release.

“It’s unacceptable, with so many people sustaining TBIs — both in combat and civilian life — that we know so little about treating depression in this population,” she added. (taken from Healthday, Tuesday April 19th, 2011).

“Take this sinking boat and point it home………….raise your hopeful voice, you have a choice”  Falling Slowly by Glen Hansard 

~ by gonefishindd5 on April 21, 2011.

Posted in Uncategorized