our headbangers ball

There has been a lot of arguing in  my house this summer. This is strange. I mean, we all have arguments. I am positive you have experienced a few yourself. But this has been different. Dan and I argue, Katie and I argue, Jon and I argue. Shellie is really the only one immune because she is so far away, but we would still argue and she did not know how to deal with such a passive mom. Anybody who knows me, knows I am not very passive by nature. Truthfully, all this fighting sucks. I hate it. It’s uncomfortable. I feel like nobody is listening to me, like I’m not important. Even when I say something, it feels like maybe they didn’t hear me. They ignore me. That no matter what I do, I start an argument. It’s been really hard. I thought things were getting better. This feels worse. Admittedly, it’s my fault a lot of the time. I am so oblivious to social cues from family and friends that I will just be going along my happy way, thinking I am following the flow only to find out I have totally pissed somebody off. Oops! You seriously have to take my hand and walk me through these.

Arguments just confuse me. Most social situations are difficult for me. It’s really not fair fighting with somebody who has a Traumatic Brain Injury. But please don’t let that stop you. We need the mental exercise. My memory sucks, but when I am emotional is gets worse. I won’t even remember what we are arguing about 2 minutes into the heated conversation. It’s kind of comical but I really have no idea what starts them all.  For example; I ask Katie to clean her room, she argues, I forget what I asked her to do, which leaves me helpless on knowing how to render the situation. By this point I am so very confused and can’t think anything through or find a solution to work things out. So then I get even more frustrated and angry. Very angry. Then the argument has escalated into a nonsense filled, hurtful tirade. Nothing gets worked out and it just builds and builds and explodes more the next time. Then I leave to take a long break. It takes twenty minutes for the brain to change emotions, so I take those twenty. Then I am ready to try again.

I admit my house is usually loud. If you have a problem, voice it. Talk about it. Get it out. I would rather have an argument with Dan in front of  the kids than behind closed doors, so they learn that we eventually work it out.   And  sometimes they learn that I am right and sometimes Dan is right and that sometimes you just need to know when to say sorry, drop it and just forget it and when to stick to your guns. Am I right? Anyway, we have some pretty loud discussions in our house when needed. But this summer has been more than normal. Dan won’t listen, Katie won’t listen and I am just frustrated and confused.

In August, I heard my Katie singing this song in her sweet little voice, “Alive, awake, alert, enthusiastic!”. It finally dawned on me what has felt so different in my house this summer. I have my voice back. My recently passive self is fading away. Where I would have usually kept quiet, I am deciding to say something. If you have been around any disabled persons you may have heard them talk about not having a voice. We just get taken care of. People don’t think that we can make good choices or have anything good to say. Well, have I got news for you! We have a lot of important things to say and a lot of great input. Have you ever heard the quote “Nothing about me, without me” ? Don’t leave me out of conversations. Don’t avoid talking about certain things around me. And especially, DO NOT make decisions about me and my family without talking to us first. You know, like “well, they have a lot of stuff going on at their house, lets not bother them”. Which means you exclude us. That’s not right or fair. Treat me the same. I will let you know when I can’t handle something or when I need something. I have a voice. And I am going to use it. Give me the opportunity to use it. Respect me.

The past couple of years I have not been functioning at such a level that I really could use my voice, so Dan used his for me, or just made all the decisions. He had too. I was either working, in too much pain to deal, or sleeping. Katie had to grow up fast and with out a mother always available. But watch out, cause I am Alive, awake and enthusiastic! (ok, sometimes not so enthusiastic, but I’m working on that) With quitting work, all the therapy and exercise, diet and taking better care of myself  I am really alive again. I am me again, a different me, but still a really great me! I am a wife, a mom, a sister, a friend, all those important things. And, I am going to tell you about it! How I feel about it and what I think about it.

I have my voice back. It has taken a lot of adjusting for all of us. It has taken some getting use too. Dan and I discuss decisions again instead of him just making them for me. I am a mother to Katie, Jon and Shellie again. Katie and her ten-year old self has had to learn to listen to me all over again instead of just taking care of herself. This summer when I would tell her to do something or just even being a normal parent, she would resist and do it her way or not at all. This was new territory for her, for all of us. She couldn’t believe I was actually telling her what and how to do things and being more involved with her. Often she would cry for daddy or just ignore me completely. It took lots of work and the whole freaking summer, but we did it. We all do a very good job working together again. I repeat a lot of things and forget what I just told her to do a lot and I ask things over and over again. But the family knows I do this and they respect me and my voice. It feels sooooooo good to finally be heard again. To be heard and listened to, really listened too because I make sense now. If I get confused, I say so. If I need a break, I say so. I am enjoying my new voice.

I have won this battle, but not the war. But I will never, never, never give up!

~ by gonefishindd5 on November 8, 2010.

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