our headbangers ball

I guess its time to tell you more about the weeks and the days that followed after I came home from the hospital. I have a love/hate relationship with blogging about this. I have written this over and over. Deleted it and started over. Gave up. But something inside me just wants to get it all out.

So above you can see a picture of Katie and I. I have no memory of this picture being taken. I think it must be about four weeks after the accident.  Looks like the scars on my face are healing. My face is still swollen. I have a black eye. You can see a big scar above my right eye. It’s obvious I am not yet taking care of myself very well by the look of my hair. Oh my, me and my head of curly red hair. That’s why I straighten it now. I can see a blank distant look in my eyes. You probably would never notice it. But I do. To me it feels like a fog that descended on my life that day of the car accident.  That fog that has mostly lifted, but now, just hangs over my head. Someday’s it settles low. Those are the really bad days that I have now learned to just survive through.  It’s from the traumatic brain injury.

I had to walk with a cane for about two months. I could not be left alone. I couldn’t be alone with Katie and could not lift her for  3 months. That was hard especially if she cried or needed “uppy” for a hug. I don’t remember  a lot of details. I do remember a lot of pain, pain pills, sleeping, lots of Dr. appointments and physical therapy, hating to get in the car and crying when I had to. Sometimes I would jump out of my seat at intersections. I didn’t used to be a crier, I was a tough, independent girl. Just ask Dan, he’ll tell you. Oh, and my mom and dad might say a little about it too. It just seemed like everything was falling apart, including me. I had to depend on somebody for everything now. The hardest thing was not being able to be a mother to my kids and a wife for Dan. I couldn’t cook, clean, play, just get better.

Jon. He broke his pelvic bone and had a bad concussion. He quit talking for about 6 weeks. We tried everything including therapy, which he went to kicking and screaming, so that didn’t last long. We even asked for help from family and friends to talk with him. We finally took him to Karate lessons and when the instructor found out about the car accident he refused to take payments for a whole year. We found out that at ten years old Jon believed that the accident was all his fault because he had been bad. He is the most empathetic boy I know. It took some time but he got better. Shellie seemed fine, She had injured her right leg pretty bad in the accident and had a concussion but she was back on her feet in no time at all. She is a very strong girl. I think she was just ready to forget about it and move on. She was a huge help. She became the house cleaner, laundry person and babysitter. She was mom for a while. So was Jon. Katie was just being a two-year old. Thankfully she wasn’t hurt. Just had a car seat full of glass and a few cuts and scrapes like the other kids.  Thank God for seatbelts and car seats. Thank God Katie checked to make sure we all had them on that night. When I see people in their cars with out seatbelts and their kids unbuckled, I want to slap them upside the head. Dan, well, poor Dan. Other than breaking a few teeth and some major neck pain, that was the extent of his injuries. He was driving though and feels like its was all his fault, you can see it on his face. He feels responsible. Especially when I am having a bad day. I quit telling him when I didn’t feel well. Still to this day he feels like my family blames him and might be upset about how this changed my life.  Which is silly, because I have proof that they love him more than they love me. Like a Pendleton wool coat for instance.  But that’s a whole other story, and a running joke in our family.  I have never blamed him and never will, not even for a second. Never even considered it. He blames himself. Accidents happen. Life happens. Besides it was just a really bad intersection. A co-workers dad was killed at the same place only a year before. A woman was killed the weekend before and the weekend after our accident at the same place. Low visibility due to hedges was to blame. The home owners on the corner were finally forced to take them down. They didn’t remove them until the following year and a few more accidents later though. I have a special word for people like that, anyway………..The insurance company practically begged us to sue them, but we didn’t.

The one thing that I will never forget that stands out the most. The love and support shown by our family and community. Hundreds of people came and went. People I hadn’t seen in years stopped by. They brought so many meals and gift and flowers. I found our fridge and cupboards filled with anything we needed. One family bought groceries for us frequently, including toilet paper and toothpaste. We didn’t have to buy groceries or make a meal for close to six months. Some would just hand us money when they saw us. It was all very humbling. They had a benefit for us that summer that raised $20,000 and exactly paid the medical bills after insurance to the dollar. That was amazing. A gift I am very thankful for. Thanks to our community we were able to go on for a few years like nothing happened financially. It caught up to us later though. Dan’s work told him to come back when he could, take all the time he needed, and they would continue to pay him his regular wage while he was off. Katie’s babysitter refused to take any payment until I was feeling better and back to work. There was an incredible outpouring of love from hundreds of people in our little town. It helped us get through it all and they will never be forgotten. Especially the simple act of just stopping by or calling to see how we were or if we needed anything. There were so many flowers and balloons in the house we ran out of room to put them. The house smelled wonderful. Each breath I took reminded me how much we were loved. I only had to open a cupboard or the fridge or freezer to be reminded of all they had done for us. Everyone really went out of their way to show how much they cared.

Friends and family came every day. I was so glad they were there but couldn’t wait till they would leave. It gave me a headache just to hear their voices. It was hard enough to not cry all the time because of the pain, but all the people coming and going made me want to scream. I loved that they were all coming but couldn’t wait for them to leave. I had no idea what they were saying or doing. I felt like a ghost in the room, just hovering around trying to take it all in. It took all my focus just to survive the day. It seemed like any distraction made life so hard to hold onto. After they would go home I would cry myself to sleep, sometimes rocking back and forth in pain. Relief would come in the form of a medicated sleep.  It’s amazing I never got hooked the Hydrocodone I swallowed every 4 hours for months. Dan had to dress me and get my shoes on. I could not perform the simple act of just getting ready for the day. My huge incisions weaped blood and fluid. I couldn’t wear a bra for months, much to my embarrassment. Showers were not ever done alone. I could never be left alone.We had to go back to the hospital every week for more tests and I had physical therapy every other day. I cried each time I had to get into the car again. I hated going anywhere. I was never hungry,  but I tried to eat, I had too. I had lost about 28lbs and the Dr. said not to lose anymore. I was constantly dizzy and nauseated. Everything I managed to get down came right back up or went right through me.

I had to walk up and down the length of our house for my exercise everyday. Dan would be right by my side. I hated this exercise. Any movement caused more pain. I stopped and looked out the window and saw our car. “When did they bring that here?'” I asked Dan. He said “They brought it on a big truck a couple of days ago.” I couldn’t believe my eyes. I felt like it was an enemy sitting in the yard. I didn’t want to look, but at the same time I couldn’t get my eyes off it.  After all it did play a big part in saving my life. We had to pay for each day it sat in the wrecking yard, so they brought it to the house until the insurance company totaled it and  hauled it off.  My wonderful neighbor and friend went and took pictures of it for us. I couldn’t even look at them for a while. Now I keep them in a special place and take them out every now and then. I cry when I do.

I tried to keep a good attitude and be positive, but I won’t lie to you, life sucked. I kept hearing over and over in my head the words God told me when he said I would be ok. I clung to that with all my heart and soul. I will never lose my faith. Dan and I were tired of trying so hard though. Every time we would get on our feet something would happen. I know this happens to all of us, but you have to admit it really sucks when it does. I know, you know how we felt, because you have been there too.  We were finally getting ahead. My business was doing well and I loved what I did. We had just bought a new car. We were getting ready to build a house. Things were perfect and we were happy. Now we were losing it all. My business was going under because I couldn’t be there to manage it or do the work.  I tried going back to work after a couple of months but it was just too hard. Our life was falling apart again. Even a year after the accident I was still in considerable pain. I had a hard time breathing due to the injuries to my lung and I felt like I was losing it. I used to be confident and now I got nervous easily, I constantly got lost driving in the car or would drive by my destination two or three times. I had to learn how to write again, what little math skills I had were now completely gone. I loved to read but would fall asleep after a page or two, then forget what I was reading and had to start over. I couldn’t watch movies because I didn’t understand what was going on or follow the story from beginning to end. I started to blurt out the rudest things just randomly. I was moody and would sometimes sleep for a whole day. Conversations gave me headaches. I couldn’t remember what somebody had just told me moments before. I couldn’t remember our last Christmas or many other memories. I couldn’t remember how to cook my families favorite meals. I forgot so many appointments and was easily confused too. I was still in pain and I slept most of my days. I am still nauseated and dizzy every morning. What is wrong? Why can’t anybody fix me. All I had for now were painkillers and a huge milligram RX for antidepressants. But still I didn’t give up. I went to lots of Dr.s to find the source of my pain, or pain pills that worked, and to see if they could tell me why life was so different now. But none of them could. In fact, it would be seven years before my diagnosis would finally be revealed and little did I know it was going to get worse before it got better! If you would have told me that then, I think I would have thrown in the towel. Dan ended up getting a better job,  so we ended the cleaning business, uprooted our kids and moved out of state so I could stay home and recover. I know the kids hated us because of that for a while.

That night changed my life forever. Mine and my families. We will never be the same. I will never be the same. I listen more, I live daily life at a slower pace, I cherish every moment. I try my hardest not to hurt anyone. Each year I get is one more year with family and friends that I may not have had. I count all my blessings no matter how small and I notice the little things. Some things matter, some things don’t.  The important things do. I dig deeper and try harder. God told me I would be ok. I cling to that promise till my hands hurt and there are no more tears. My journey had just begun.

This song means a lot to me. I have it memorized. I live and breathe every word. Music helps me cope I think. This song was on the radio the year the accident happened and I listened to it over and over. I still listen to it. So bring on the rain, cause I am not afraid.

~ by gonefishindd5 on June 26, 2010.

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