our headbangers ball

I figured you may have wanted an update on my appointment following my recent CT scan. So here it is.

Dan and I drove to Salt Lake City on thursday for an appointment with my Thoracic Surgeon.  My heart was beating fast the whole way. Big thumping palpitations in my chest. I was irritable and nervous. I hate Dr. appointments because I have to talk about the car accident in detail.  They also want to know how I am feeling now. Sometimes I just don’t know how I feel cause I have gotten so good at pushing those feelings away and surviving the day.  So it’s hard on me to have all this information ready for them. Dan, as always, was trying to make me feel better and make me laugh at dumb things along our trip. He is so gifted in seeing the lighter side of things.

We arrived about a half hour early. We get in the elevator and push the button for floor #2. As soon as the doors close Dan and I do a silly, crazy make out session only to compose ourselves just as the door opens on the second floor. We walk into the office and I let them know I have arrived then sit in the waiting room. I try to read a book while Dan gets some work done. I look around the office unable to focus on my book and think of all the patients that come here. Usually they have some sort of cancer or disease. Wow. I begin to think I am so lucky! There are so many people worse off than me. I hear the nurse scheduling a ct scan for a patient at the desk. He has cancer and they need to check the progression. I think maybe I should leave because I don’t have cancer. Nothing is wrong with me, I am fine. So I ask Dan if we should leave. He says no. He knows I am just being silly and trying to avoid another appointment.

The nurse calls me back and we wait again in an exam room. The Dr. comes in, he’s a good friend so we chat for a few minutes. He’s been to Switzerland recently teaching. He teaches all over the world, but mostly at the medical school in SLC. We hear about his kids and we tell him about ours. Then we get down to business. He asks and I tell him whats been going on lately and about the increase in my symptoms. He remembers my last appointment and has looked at my scans and does an exam of my scars. His diagnosis comes next. He says that the scar tissue is actually less than my last scan. Thats good news. Yay! Then he wants to know details of the car accident again, like how we were hit, how fast we were going and how fast we stopped. Dan and I both stiffen and struggle through the answers cause we don’t want to  think about it.

He continues on and explains to Dan and I the reason for my symptoms. He says it is a “really bad injury” that affects my whole core and body and that ” he is sorry and hates to tell me this, but It will probably never get better and I will be in pain for the rest of my life and it may hurt more as time goes on. Injuries like this just never heal….” and that he would ” throw himself on top of my body to keep anyone from doing surgery on the scar tissue” because it will only make things worse. He tells me some things I can do to help me deal with the pain and try to be as comfortable as possible. Some I am already doing and some I will include in the near future. He knows I won’t take narcotics, but convinces me it’s time for an almost narcotic. He explains how keeping the inflammation down as much as we can is important and will be very beneficial to me.  He also wants me to think about a breathing test and a pain clinic. We talk about resting and taking care of myself, meditation, physical therapy etc… I can hardly listen to his voice at this point.  I feel like I need a break. I hear the words “pain for the rest of your life” echoing in my head. These words feel very heavy. I am already tired of being in pain. How can I do this the rest of my life? He gives me hope by telling me what I can do to get through all this. I look at Dan and feel better just seeing his blue eyes. I look at the Dr. and start listening again.

We go out into the hallway and he walks me through my last two CT scans, which we have all seen a hundred times, showing me what my insides look like and explaining again what we already know and showing me where the scar tissue has reduced. He emphasises to just rest on the days I don’t feel well. I won’t. I never will. Not until I have too. I don’t want to end up “resting” for the rest of my life! I get up each day and exercise cause I know it makes me feel better. Even though it takes me a long time and takes my breath away. Sometimes I am soooooo incredibly exhausted that  I just sit there till I have strength to do the next set. When I do the next set, sometimes I scream from frustration cause its hard. Then I cry because it hurts and I am mad because it has to be this way.  I wonder why I put myself thourgh this. But I keep going. I won’t stop.  I only spend one or maybe two days a week in bed “resting” But that’s only after I absolutely cannot go on that I give in and let myself rest for the day. 

We thank him and shake hands. He hands me my new prescription and we are on our way. In the elevator Dan posts on Facebook that he heard the Dr. say ” that my wife will be a pain for the rest of my life”.  Ha ha. Oh Dan. He asks me where we are going to go to lunch? I want to go to Diamond Lil’s. I am going to drown this all out with prime rib. He opens my door and I climb in the car. I am feeling so relieved that I don’t need surgery and that I can handle all of this. It’s like a big weight has been lifted off my shoulders. Another appointment done and I just need to do what I am supposed to and take care of myself. Keep my already slow pace, exercise, therapy, eating right and resting, knowing it works. Then I cry for a minute remembering “the rest of your life” part. Then I put a smile on my face and head to lunch with Dan. I want this to be a fun day.

We ended up having a wonderful time. We took the long way home and stopped at Sportsman’s Warehouse to drool over the new wooden canoe’s and fun hiking stuff. We got some good news and some bad news today. But that’s life. In a couple of days I will be over it and moving on. I just can’t help but think about all the wonderful family and friends I have.  I also can’t help but wonder how I am going to get through the rest of my life like this. But we all have our trials. I would pick mine over yours any day. Although I really feel that none is greater than another. Deep inside is a burning hope that I will nourish and never let disapear. I will get through this and have a good time doing it.

~ by gonefishindd5 on May 8, 2010.

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