silent epidemic
Oops. Found this one in my editing. Thought I sent it months ago.
We went out to dinner with Dan’s work. There were probably 25 people there. I only see these people every once in a while. Some are friends and some are just acquaintances. One we don’t get along with at all. There’s always one isn’t there. The restaurant was very full, busy and loud. Things were fine for a while. But I know its coming. Sure enough. About halfway through dinner…..Overload. First I notice that I can’t understand what the person next to me was saying. “What was that?” I say, “excuse me”, “I can’t hear you!.” So she repeats it again, I can hear her, I just can’t understand her. Then I notice I have a killer headache. I smile and try to act like I am involved and listening. I turn and try to fake the next conversation and try really hard not to say something dumb. People’s lips are moving as they talk to me but I am so00000000 not understanding a word they say. My head is starting to spin. I can’t breathe. My hands start shaking. I want to scream. I stand up and whisper to Dan “I need to get out of here, it’s too loud.” Wow, so embarrassing. I try not to think about it as I head to the bathroom. It’s snowing like crazy outside tonight so I am stuck inside with the smelly bathroom. Oh well. The door shuts behind me. No body else is in here. It’s cool and quiet. Thank God. I take deep breaths and clear my head. I couldn’t meditate right now if you paid me. So I just work on clearing my mind. Pushing away the thoughts of embarrassing Dan and myself by practically running out of the banquet room. Just five minutes is all I need. Better. I hold my head up high and find my way back to our table. Just in time for Charlie’s speech. I don’t make eye contact with anyone. I just go on like everything is fine. Maybe no one noticed. I am sure they did. Everybody watches the boss’s wife.
There’s nothing I can do about it. It’s just how I am now. My brain decides its had enough and if I don’t take care of it then I start to feel the side effects. I am not faking it.
The next day Dan says that one of the board members called to see if I was ok. Really I am, kind of. That much noise and stimulation always makes my head buzz for a few days. A lot like a hangover. The fun is over but the effects last for a while. I just take lots of breaks and avoid similar situations for a couple of days and it will wear off. Then I’m good. I am so embarrassed that somebody noticed. I am married to the boss and I feel like I embarrass him too. Now I am really upset and crying. Glad that somebody cares though. People do tend to slide themselves neatly into slots of how they deal with me. There is genuine caring, indifference, ignorance, etc…. I just try to surround myself with those who really do care. Shrug off the others, sometimes have a good cry and then just go on. Lift up my head, put a damn smile on my face and go on.
Traumatic Brain Injury is a silent epidemic that happens every 23 seconds. There are millions of people out there just like me. Most of us don’t look like there is anything wrong with us. Inside there is so much going on that we have to deal with everyday. All I ask is that you try to understand and smile back. Protect your head and your children’s heads.
our headbangers ball 